| this weekend |
[Nov. 1st, 2009|02:28 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  okay | ] |
Fri I had a shitty day at work which made me miss H immensely. I was lucky that I got SR to have a drink with me before having dinner with K and J. While having drinks with SR, I was talking about H and made her cry. Apparently every time I tell our story people are completely shocked by what happened and it makes them really sad. This doesn't really help me. I know it is a really sad story and the last thing I need is people telling me this.
Dinner was fun. It was K and me talking non stop while J sat there. I wonder what he is up to, but I don't feel comfortable asking.
Sat morning when to Lois the Pie Queen with SR and her friend J. She was in costume so some guy gave her pie for being in costume. It was great b/c we got to eat free pie. After that, we dropped J at his place and I convinced her to go with me to the Grand Lake Farmer's Market and walk around Grand Lake and Adam's Point with me. It was good because we drove around for a bit and I got to see a lot, apart from what I saw walking. She dropped me off and I had some serious couch time and had a really good and long conversation with mom. We talked about me moving, she asked about H and she let me vent about him for a while which was really good.
Sat night I went to dinner with SR. We went to this new restaurant, Chop Bar, in Jack London Square. The food was really good. I guess I hadn't mentioned this in this post, but yesterday was her bday. I spent a lot of time with her for 2 reasons: 1- she is going thru some rough stuff and I didn't want her to be alone on her bday; 2-I didn't want to be alone this weekend because I've been feeling lonely and shitty this week. We had some good conversation to go along with the good food. Again, drove around a bit (she gets lost) and it was good to see some parts of Jack London Square at night that I headn't seen before because it convinced me that I don't want to live there. Got home by 10ish and went to bed.
Today I went alone to Adam's Point to walk around some more. With SR, we mostly drove around and walked around the lake, not on any of the streets off of Grant. Today I walked on the streets and saw 2 places. I wasn't looking to see places, just happened to find these. They were more than what I want to pay, but it was good to see them.
This moving stuff is hard. I'm glad that I just talked to G and she let me bitch about it being hard.
I'm feeling a lot better than I've felt the rest of this weekend. Talking with SR extensively this weekend made me realize some stuff that makes the break-up even harder. I really wish there was a way for me to make H understand my thoughts and feelings. I also realized that I owe him an appology.
To do between now and bed time: I want to make some yummy food, I need to pick up my house a little and do some ironing. I also want to call JF. I'm going to make an effort to call him and G at least once a week. I know G might not want to talk that often, but it will be up to her to not pick up the phone. |
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| crying like an idiot |
[Dec. 28th, 2008|03:30 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  loved | ] |
H sent me flowers for my birthday. I called him to thank him and what he said made me cry. I'm really touched by the gesture... |
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| more complaining... |
[Oct. 9th, 2008|08:42 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  annoyed | ] |
I think the McCain plan to buy people's mortgages and then make people pay the current house value is insane. If you fucked up and bought a house you can't afford, I don't think the rest of us should pay for it. It would give some people a lot of money. Why not give me that money? I can use it for the downpayment of a new house! I think it is unfair that he thinks it is ok to selectively "bailout" (ie essentially give a shitload of money) to some people. |
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| karma? |
[Aug. 6th, 2008|09:02 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  pensive | ] |
In general I try to live by the "don't do to others what you would not want done to you" idea. Not that it always works out. I've done some pretty god awful things to people. At the time they never seemed too bad; looking back on some of my actions, I've been a shitty human being on multiple occasions. (For the record, I've also been an outstanding human being on other occasions. )
Am I screwed for life?
I've thought about this before, usually when I'm going through a rough patch. If karma is real and it works in the "eye for an eye" sorta' way, I'm pretty screwed in some ways. The flip side of this is that I would also have some pretty good things coming my way. I'm not even sure what brought this to my mind today. I think that the crazy dreams I've been having are part of the reason. They have made me think of people that I've had little to no contact with in recent times, some of them people who I've been less than nice to.
Oh well, I guess I shouldn't loose any sleep over this. There is really not much I can do about my past actions. I can only control my present/future actions... |
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| ... |
[Jul. 29th, 2008|08:16 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | angry | ] |
PS: I hate you, I hate you, I hate you, drop dead... (I forget where this is from, but I've always loved it)
PPS: I'm really worried about a friend of mine. |
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| wow... |
[May. 28th, 2008|08:35 am] |
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This is what it feels like to be happy. |
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| not hating... |
[May. 27th, 2008|06:37 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  excited | ] |
Today has been great. I talked to G this morning and it was exactly what I needed. I've been really buying into where I should be in life and whatnot and talking to her made me realize that is not who I am. I don't want the same cookie cutter life and I should not feel guilty about it. I'm going thru a ridiculous amount of changes in my life and now is NOT the time to make rash decisions. I love her so much and I'm really glad she is in my life.
Then there was re-living all of yesterday. I can't believe how much anger I've had in my life. Yesterday kicked ass it was exactly the type of release that I needed. We definitely said goodbye with mad-ass style.
I just got off the phone with JF. Hearing him talk about what has been going on in his life made me realize how much of a 1/4 life crisis I've going thru. I'm better now. I'm ready to be outta here. I can't wait 'till Friday. I'm excited about the trip and the new chapters of my life.
I love my friends. I'm sad that some of them are moving away but I will make it thru this and make new ones. I'm only 28.
Central America, here I come. San Francisco, don't feel left behind b/c I'll be there in no time. |
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| can't focus |
[May. 15th, 2008|03:48 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  bored | ] |
I'm sooo bored by my stupid thesis. Who would ever want to read this??? So damn boring. I can't focus b/s it is so damn boring.
I just want this to end. Only 2 more weeks to go... |
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| last night (rant about preconceptions, I think) |
[May. 8th, 2008|09:56 am] |
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I was asleep (before 10pm b/c I love sleeping) and my friend from the east coast called and woke me up. Somehow we both ended up watching the same e-harmony commercial at the same time, or close to the same time. Of course got up on our soapbox and bitched about the religious-non-gay-allowing-evilness that is e-harmony. After that we ended up talking about our fucked up preconceptions on who we like. He likes blond-boys, always has. I like tall guys, always have. We've both been happiest (except for his current long-term relationship) when we don't date our "type". (And even though M is blond, he is not my friend's type for other reasons) My point is that as much as e-harmony is evil, there might be some validity to their version of match-making; your "type" isn't necessarily someone who is a good match for you. After all of that was said, there was more discussing the evil that is e-harmony which somehow turned into the evil that is curves even though I don't have any fucking clue how we got from point a to point b. Sometimes we are random like that. |
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| doing slightly better |
[May. 1st, 2008|11:00 am] |
It is 11am and I'm finally starting to wake up. I feel old; my body can't take drinking like it used to :(
I really want to go to the "How Weird Fair" in SF this Sunday but I will probably need to write since I have less than 1 month to get my stupid thesis to my committee and who knows how many more revisions. But I really want to go. It is going to be great. I love feeling completely out of place at odd SF events. I wish someone would force me into going and then I wouldn't have to feel guilty about not working. (Wow, that is one messed up thought). Then again, everyone is crazy busy right now and no one has time to go gawk at people in SF for a couple of hours. I hate my life. |
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| ugh |
[Apr. 30th, 2008|09:32 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | pissed off | ] |
I can't decide if I'm being irrational or not. I wish life were simpler. I hate that I feel this way. |
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| shirt excitement |
[Apr. 28th, 2008|10:33 am] |
ooh ooh ooh, for some reason this just popped into my head. Last night as I was laying in bed I decided that I would wear a (more than slightly by some standards) scandalous black shirt for the show on Wed. I would never wear this is front of most grad school people b/c of the scandal factor and I love that I can wear it on Wed. I think the show is the perfect place to wear it. I really want to see some people's response.
Damn I need to stop procrastinating! |
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| googling people |
[Apr. 27th, 2008|06:34 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  crazy | ] |
I read somewhere a while back that hackers and such get people's names off of their history b/c most people google themselves frequently. If anyone tried to do this with me they would think that my name was boy-du-jour. I've just spent a really long time googling Friday's boy. This was:
1. A huge waste of time
2. Proof that I'm crazy
What makes it even stupider is that he gave me his email b/c I was going to send him something. His email is boy-du-jour@his-own-website.com. Clearly I went to his website. Almost every hit I got for him were somehow related to his website so I could have skipped the stupid google search and just stuck with his website, which he clearly wanted me to see b/c he would have given me a gmail or other such address otherwise.
And in other news, I'm back to crying about my thesis at my desk. I had to leave the office b/c I had a slight, or not so slight depending on your perspective, breakdown. |
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| fun night... the after thoughts. |
[Apr. 26th, 2008|04:56 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | happy | ] |
I guess I'm making too much out of how different his friends seem from him. I would walk around naked, except for the cold thing, and a lot of my friends wouldn't. I definitely have a different perspective about a lot of things than my friends do and that doesn't stop us from being good friends. I was just thrown off by it because they are in-your-face-different, which doesn't make them bad people but does make the differences obvious; me in jeans and a T-shirt and any of my friends in jeans in a T-shirt is more of a sneak-surprise-different.
Apart from that, I had a lot of fun. Of course, I'm still a girl and I need to overanalyze everything so here goes.
I've always had this love/hate relationship with dating. It is because I overanalyze things. This is why I date a lot of people that I don't really like. Its not that I don't like them, as much as I know that I don't like them enough to worry about these things. When I'm going out with someone who I just want to jump from the time the date starts, I don't think about will he call or what if he doesn't like me or any other stupid thing like that. This is of course unhealthy behavior. It is fairly typical based on everything, but it is still unhealthy.
If he doesn't like me it is going to hurt, not so much because I like him but because he has gotten to see a side of me that most dates don't and that will be a huge blow to my ego. It will mean he doesn't like ME, pure and raw. That is harsh. This will of course lead me to push him away which I don’t want to do because I think we could have a lot of fun.
Why o why does estrogen make people insane? Why does the estrogen/scientist combo make it even a worse kind of insanity? |
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| thinking... |
[Apr. 23rd, 2008|04:10 pm] |
Tal vez el problema es que yo siempre busco cosas que realment no necesito. JF siempre lo ha dicho: "You are jaded and need to get past that". Esto es cierto. Yo creo que esta vez lo voy a ser diferente, solo yo, no pretender otras cosas. Yo espero que esto funcione. Yo NECESITO que esto funcione, pq yo no se si yo puedo seguir en estas si esto no funciona... |
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| happy earth day! |
[Apr. 22nd, 2008|09:12 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | apathetic | ] |
Today is Earth Day. What am I doing to make the world a better place? I'm sitting on my ass in front of a computer. I love doing my part; it makes me feel all warm and fuzzy on the inside.
On another random ranty note, I can't get myself to focus at all. I'm not in a bad mood. I'm in a pretty good mood, probably do to the fact that I only worked from 9-4:30 yesterday and slept a lot last night. It is hard to get anything done when you just don't care and you realize that this is such a small thing in the grand scheme of things.
Edit: I knew there was something else I needed to get out of my system. Things I can't take credit for: being pretty, being intelligent, my name/initials (I'm sure there are others, but these are the ones that currently come to mind). What does one say when given a compliment on one of these things? I usually say that I can't take credit for these things and that it is all my parents doing and people look at me weird. But it is true. I think these are all genetic predispositions (or parental quirks with the name/initials) and I had nothing to do with them. It is not that I can't take a compliment, but these things are out of my hands. Now, say something about the fact that I smile a lot or that I really try to make the (physical) world a better place and that I can take credit for... |
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| :-) |
[Apr. 21st, 2008|10:04 am] |
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Yesterday was really fun. I'm glad I went thru with not working. It is so hard to not work but I need to for my sanity. But yeah, walking all around, tea, slides, hanging out, having a beer, having a burrito... it was all great. I'm less bitter than I was on Friday, which is good b/c I was super extra bitter on Friday. The down side is that I'm exhausted b/c we were having too much fun so I didn't catch the last BART and stayed over there 'till this morning. And of course we didn't go to sleep 'till god knows what time b/c we were talking. I love doing that, but I also hate doing that. I woke up this morning after barely sleeping, it was Monday, I knew I had a meeting at 10am, I had to BART back and shower and get dressed and I knew the day was going to suck. But I'm still smiling b/c yesterday was really really fun. Really really... |
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| it is not you, it is me... |
[Apr. 17th, 2008|01:44 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | bitchy | ] |
There are 2 ways to view this current situation:
1. It is me that is the problem
2. It is you that is the problem
For my own sanity, I am going to go with option 2. Option 1 is just to painful right now. |
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| my opinion |
[Mar. 5th, 2008|01:05 pm] |
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I don't think that people (I mean grownups, not grad students) who sit in front of computers all day work all day. Although my sample size is small, I think it is rather representative (shoot me, I hate that I think like this, in terms of sample size). |
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| it is that time of year again |
[Feb. 29th, 2008|09:40 am] |
the prospectives are back! BEWARE!!! They think they are so smart and they are going to do so well in grad school... little do they know they are about to make the biggest mistake of their lives.
anyway, that being said, I'm just whinny b/c I'm sleepy. I want a weekend off without the accompanying guilt. Not going to happen this weekend. Maybe next weekend I'll do this.
oh, and my triceps hurt. Mark made me do the triceps’ exercises correctly and now I’m sore :( Damn him! |
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